Worst Film Ever?



I thought the film about alien cat-people having sex with one another was bad until this unparalleled, peerless beast.

An exceptionally generous 2.8 from IMDB belies this atrocity. I wouldn’t have bothered to finish filming it. Surely someone must have watched the scenes after they were filmed. Someone must have known. Oh. God. Uncomfortable epiphany: what I saw were the best bits: the best takes, the best delieverance of lines, choreography, lighting, angles…


After bemoaning the hour and a half I sacrificed watching it I feel at pains to spend more time thinking about it now. But it has surely become my duty to warn others. I am your film Moses.

Aspiring filmmakers: watch Amsterdam Heavy. Watch and study it like you would The Graduate, Forrest Gump, Fight Club or any other cinematic triumph, as this is a perfect, shining example of exactly the worst possible result of trapping ‘actors’ and a film crew in a basement for three months whose escape will only be granted once they have produced something that is not just worse than Catwoman or A Wrinkle in Time, but digs a new basement.

This ‘reviewer’ on IMDB was clearly involved in the production or a recent labotomy –

“Amsterdam Heavy leaves you wondering what will happen next at each turn, packed with action and hot chicks”

“and the main brunette has some awesome one-liners that had me roaring”

No, no, NO.

It seemed a fitting end.

In a word: inhumane.


P.S. If you are wondering of the fate of the DVD, I decided urinating on it would be an adequate end; demeaning and slow.



3 thoughts on “Worst Film Ever?

  1. I’ve only just read your review of this film Callum, having seen it(but never admitting it) I totally agree withyou, however dissing Catwoman is another matter. Halle Berry in that suit, nuff said!!!

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