I thought the film about alien cat-people having sex with one another was bad until this unparalleled, peerless beast.
An exceptionally generous 2.8 from IMDB belies this atrocity. I wouldn’t have bothered to finish filming it. Surely someone must have watched the scenes after they were filmed. Someone must have known. Oh. God. Uncomfortable epiphany: what I saw were the best bits: the best takes, the best delieverance of lines, choreography, lighting, angles…
After bemoaning the hour and a half I sacrificed watching it I feel at pains to spend more time thinking about it now. But it has surely become my duty to warn others. I am your film Moses.
Aspiring filmmakers: watch Amsterdam Heavy. Watch and study it like you would The Graduate, Forrest Gump, Fight Club or any other cinematic triumph, as this is a perfect, shining example of exactly the worst possible result of trapping ‘actors’ and a film crew in a basement for three months whose escape will only be granted once they have produced something that is not just worse than Catwoman or A Wrinkle in Time, but digs a new basement.
This ‘reviewer’ on IMDB was clearly involved in the production or a recent labotomy –
“Amsterdam Heavy leaves you wondering what will happen next at each turn, packed with action and hot chicks”
“and the main brunette has some awesome one-liners that had me roaring”
No, no, NO.
In a word: inhumane.
P.S. If you are wondering of the fate of the DVD, I decided urinating on it would be an adequate end; demeaning and slow.